


To Have All of Nothing

by Krizlynn



Category: Great Pretender (Anime)
Genre: Emotional Trauma, HURT HURT HURT, Hurt, M/M, Makoto deserves better, Set during Case 4, Spoilers, Spoilers for Case 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26768746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krizlynn/pseuds/Krizlynn
Summary: What goes through Makoto's mind.
Relationships: Edamura Makoto/Laurent Thierry
Comments: 74
Kudos: 342





	To Have All of Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR spoilers for case 4. 
> 
> I wrote this primarily because I'm sick of how no one's (or very minimal amounts of people are) acknowledging the shit Makoto had to go through. I cried so many times during case 4 for Makoto, and I honestly can't fathom how Laurent and Seiji would ever think it was okay to put Makoto through all this mental abuse istg. 
> 
> Anyway yeah, have this impromptu work that birthed from my sadness for Makoto. Hope you enjoy.

The air tasted salty. 

They were out on the sea, after all, surrounded by waves of blue and topped with the afternoon sunlight. 

Makoto hadn't moved from his spot on deck since an hour ago, sitting limply kneeled at the edge of the boat in body weights that had nothing compared to the burden of his thoughts. He thought he could still hear and see it even now; the sound of gunfire and the sight of two bodies falling ragdoll over the banister. The seconds immediately following that moment were spent with Makoto in disbelief, wondering when the curtains would be pulled, when the cameras would be revealed and when Laurent would step out with a conniving laugh. _It had happened before_ , he'd reasoned. He'd experienced this trick before. Abbie and Cynthia were still alive to him at that moment.

But in the next, he started doubting his conclusion. Like a madman, he started thinking about where it all went wrong, reversing every situation in his mind over and over again, examining it and taking it to pieces. They'd strayed from their original plans because of him. He'd tried to save the children. It was possible that Laurent had accounted for that in his plans, but there was no way in hell he'd have known that Makoto would meet his father and _trust_ said trash bag with his plans. There was no way anyone could have predicted this turn of events, and before Makoto could get somewhere he could call for help, it'd be too late. Because of him, Abbie and Cynthia would become skeletons at the bottom of the sea, along with everyone else who had thought to defy the higher positions in this world. 

The familiar feeling of his heart suffocating, bearing the idea of losing someone he cared about, presented itself like coal on a forlorn Christmas morning. 

_Because of him_.

The air tasted salty, and when Makoto lurched forward, choking on vile thoughts with his dinner coming out in splatters on the wood, bitter.

-

Makoto had somehow made it to a room back at the office. He didn't know how or when—had most likely blanked as he was moved there—but the next time he was conscious he was sitting against the edge of a bed, food placed before him that he could hardly make out in the darkness. He blinked, and even if his stomach grumbled and his mouth salivated at the sight of rice, the emptiness in his mind didn't allow room for food.

It was in moments like those that Makoto truly remembered the meaning of loss. 

Loss wasn't temporary. It stole things without consent, placing white sheets on pale faces and digging six-feet holes in the ground. It never gave back. It took and took and took and took, until eventually it took one's entire being. 

Makoto had once before had everything taken away from him.

He never thought that he'd have to go through the same thing again. 

And thus, at the slightest comfort from someone— _anyone_ , even the one who had commanded for the death of his friends, he burst out in tears. 

Still, even with the rawest form of emotion dripping out of his eyes, he couldn't feel as if anything was leaving him when he had nothing.

-

He was doing well. 

All it took for him to get well was false ignorance. He threw away the idea of living clean. He forgot about the people he'd lost. The morals that he'd wanted to uphold were boxed up and left to rot. 

He was comfortable; standing at the side of Suzaku Akemi. Someone powerful and influential. Someone who, if he started to care for, wouldn't so easily disappear. It satiated his fears to think that there was someone he could become attached to that wouldn't be taken away. 

Makoto started wondering why he hadn't just embraced this side of himself. Going to prison to atone? Living with an earnest job? Clearly, he'd never been one for a life like that. 

He settled into days where his main worry was picking the better coffee beans and tea bags, dressing himself up every morning and getting doted on by Suzaku. When he saw the children that he'd previously tried to save, he shut off his mind, standing smiling next to his pillar of support and corruption.

When he gave a capsule cat to Suzaku, he'd made up his mind that he would accept whatever was asked of him as long as he could keep up this worry-free life syle.

He didn't want to hurt anymore. However, there were moments before sleep that he'd be overtaken by what he was trying so hard to run away from. It would come in images of short brown hair, red-painted lips, laughter in his demise. Whenever that happened he would curl in on himself, forcing his thoughts to drift to counting sheep instead of dead people.

And then, when he began to think that he could really continue life like this, he showed up on his doorstep. 

The person that had thrown everything out of loop. Seiji, whom he swore to never call his father again. 

The only reaction Makoto could summon now was a blank look, and somewhere in the back of his mind he was shocked that he wasn't yelling. He should have been screaming and crying, demanding the man to leave his sight, swearing that he'd kill him the next time he saw him. The Makoto from before would have called him a disgusting murderer and cursed him to hell and back for killing not only his mother, but his friends as well. 

What he did do was let the man inside. 

"I'll explain everything," was what the person said. 

Explain he did, and when Makoto learned that Abbie and Cynthia were in fact still alive, he couldn't feel anything about it. Instead, he felt a fear creep up on him that told him he was about to lose what had kept him standing these past few weeks. He was about to lose the comfort and safety that he'd managed to build in the absence of everything else, and he didn't know what to say.

"Laurent needed me to do this."

Makoto's eyebrow twitched as the explanation continued and continued, until Makoto was learning that everything from when his mother died to where he was sitting right there had been planned out.

"Do you understand, Makoto? You have to do this," the man said, "For us. For Dorothy. This has been in the plan for years now. _Years_. It's all up to you and Laurent now."

There was something boiling in his gut since the beginning of the explanation, and Makoto accompanied it with the name Laurent. It had sparked something in him.

It had sparked rage and hate.

At the thought of the bastard that had gotten him into all of this, had tricked him so many times in preparation for a ploy to take revenge for his lover, Makoto couldn't hold back the need to strangle the French man. He wanted to take revenge for everything the man had done to him. 

He couldn't believe that at one point, he had thought Laurent was someone he could look up to. 

Makoto knew what he would do next. 

-

He had no intention of following the plan. 

Makoto was planning to reverse the entire thing on its head, let the entire shitty Team Confidence get a taste of their own medicine. He would tell Suzaku what was happening, and then trick the rest of them into thinking that he was letting them play with him in the palm of their hand. So while, in theory, he was following the plan, it was all him following his own plan. 

And he would have followed through with his own plan, had Abbie not shown up at his place. 

At the sight of her face, he suddenly felt as if his hands were bound behind his back.

He hated it. He hated himself, for having this sense of justice in him that was engrained by the trash that had raised him with his mother. 

He was reminded that Abbie was technically dead in Suzaku's mind. That, even though Makoto now knew that wasn't true, Suzaku had ordered for Abbie and Cynthia to die. Suzaku had no remorse for the human life, and had children locked up and ready to be sold to the stench of the world. Suzaku was a bad person, no matter how she had helped Makoto. 

The box of morals that he'd tried to keep close was opening itself, and Makoto was remembering the eyes of the desolate children he'd been ignoring. 

He felt like laughing, then. 

In the end, the reason he decided to pull off the Team Confidence plan was not for their camaraderie. It was not for whoever the fuck Dorothy was, and no way in hell was it for Laurent or Seiji. It was for his own morals. 

He did, however, want to see a betrayed look on Laurent's face once in his life. Even if he shouldn't be bothering with it, he decided to hire the other scum to pull something off as his finale.

When it was all set in place, and when the rug was seemingly pulled from under Team Confidence, the laughter that he let out wasn't an act. " _I've finally bested the blond_ _bastard!_ "

He meant every single word he said with his blade pointed at Seiji.

" _Mom lies alone in her grave while everyone avenges Dorothy! I thought you were lone wolves and not partners!"_

_"You've sacrificed money, time, and even your family! You only use that slogan when it's convenient!"_

And to Laurent, the one who he blamed most for his situations.

" _You're a lowly trash that gets off on deceiving people. Even when you lose someone close to you, you don't feel remorse or even quit. Con artist? What a joke! You hurt others and ridicule them! But when you get a little scratch, you act like a tragic hero—you disgust me!"_

"From now on, I will only trust myself!"

When his blade was stolen from him, and when Seiji swung at the blood bag, Makoto could almost see it as if he was actually being killed. The memories from every point following his mother's hospitalization flashed in his mind. A Makoto that had tried so hard to live a clean life just to get dragged back into conning. A Makoto who had his ideas and thoughts destroyed because of some elaborate plan for some girl he'd never seen in his life. A Makoto who had seen people he thought of as _friends_ die twice—was subject to the feeling of losing something forever, just for his act to be _convincing_.

As he landed on his back in a puddle of his fake blood, his name being called by Suzaku sounded like what he thought his mother's voice would sound like. 

Through the smoke screen and the hellish sound of bullets, Makoto let himself die. 

-

He was out at sea again. 

This time there was celebration and drinks, the sound of cheers instead of the sound of gunshots ringing in his ears. Makoto stood motionless on deck, staring out at the sunset and the ripples of water. 

He heard footsteps approach him from behind but he didn't turn, figuring there was no point. 

"Hey, what are you doing out here all alone?" Laurent questioned, leaning back against the banister with his arms propped on the bar, just until he could look at Makoto's face. "You should be inside celebrating."

Makoto didn't say anything, questioning how he had ever thought that the attention Laurent gave him was flattering. How he'd ever thought that the stare in his eyes held warmth instead of gratefulness for a meek pawn. 

"Come on, we made a killing, and we also gave those bastards what they deserved." 

At that, Makoto did turn, staring at Laurent who held the gaze. 

"You're right," Makoto began, "We did make a killing."

"Atta boy," Laurent praised, and then Makoto saw Laurent reach out, just before an arm was wrapped around his waist and he was pulled into Laurent's chest. 

A few months ago, the action would have made his heart pound. He would've been _blushing_ , even.

Now, he simply turned his head, cheek pressed against Laurent's chest as he stared out at the front of the boat. 

He could see himself from before, kneeled right at the front. The sentiment that he'd felt at that time would never leave him—not tomorrow, not the month after, and not years later. 

"Hey Laurent, can I stay in Team Confidence?" 

It was obvious that Laurent was taken by surprise, because it took a beat longer than normal for him to answer. "Of course. Why the change in mind?"

"I gave up trying to go clean, is all," Makoto answered, settling his arms similarly around Laurent's middle.

He didn't get to see Laurent's confused stare; the furrow from his brows or the slight frown that he had. "...Oh?"

"よろしくお願いします."

Time for his biggest con. 

Life.

**Author's Note:**

> That's it, really. I decided to let Makoto have a bitter ending. [Incoming rant]
> 
> Can you believe Makoto had to think his father abandoned his wife and son for YEARS because of some elaborate scheme to get back at people for killing Dorothy???? Like I'm sorry, Dorothy's an alright character and everything, but to ruin someone's (Makoto's) entire adolescence for her is just something I WILL NOT understand. I'm not blaming or hating on the author. I see that Laurent's borderline a psychopath with how he hallucinates Dorothy and his actions make complete sense. I JUST—WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS? He's a COMPLETE asshole and honestly human scum for roping Makoto into his plans just for self-satisfaction. You can argue that it was to take down an organization with child trafficking, but face the truth, Laurent primarily targetted them AND involved Makoto because of Dorothy. Yes I'm writing an essay. Yes I'm fucking angry. MAKOTO DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO DOROTHY IS I'm so flabbergasted omg. And he tried to restart his life so many times, first being a plane mechanic or whatever and then getting a job at an office. JUST to have it all taken away again by Laurent because he needs Makoto in his plans. I cringe when I see all the Laurent love on Twitter when he's, quite honestly, just a blond bastard.
> 
> That's the end of the rant. If anyone wants to rant in the comments with me, PLEASE feel free. Honestly, I encourage you to. I NEED to release some of this anger.
> 
> Add/follow me on-  
> Tumblr: cinnabyunroll  
> Twitter: @KrizlynnW  
> Discord: Krizlynn#6991


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